An Enviable Life
Welcome to my first newsletter post! I’m honoured people felt compelled to sign up with little explanation of what it would be about. Honestly, I’m still figuring that out.
Yes ( in part ) this is a way for me to promote my goods and services.
However, I often end up in conversations in my DM'S about life, art, and business. So I hope here, away from the mercy of an ever-changing algorithm I can provide some insight
Still I was stumped on what felt relevant to our entrance into a new year, of the global pandemic era. Then an acquaintance said something that's been rattling around my head ever since.
They said I,
“live an enviable life”.
Being mediter-stralian I’m so used to the presence of a cornuto, eye of Horus, and nazar charm, in my life. That I’d forgotten they exist to ward off the malocchio; the evil eye brought on by people's jealousy or judgment.
Hopefully, they’re still hard at work!
They said this as a matter of fact, based off my very curated Instagram grid. Not based on my reality. Which involves more health issues, friendship breakups and unpredictable finances.
It reminded me that envy, an emotion often denied, feared, or criticized, is in the eye of the beholder.
It says more about what we desire than what other people have, and I’m interested in how it functions for and against us. Particularly as creatives, where it’s routine to feel envious of others' success.
As a scorpio, middle child, and enneagram 4 I’m no stranger to my own even envy. It was a huge aspect of my lower-class upbringing. However, when my mother heard me criticise people, she'd probe:
“Why are you jealous of them? What do they have that makes you feel the need to bring them down?”
At the time, I found this approach dismissive. But it did encourage me to investigate the roots of my insecurities from a young age.
For a long time desiring what other people have, sustained me. I would spend my time in what I referred to as my “image-nation”.
A determined state of daydreaming. Where instead of focusing on all I didn't have in the present, I would visualise everything I'd have in the future.
This practice got me through: two undergraduate degrees, a decade of call centre work, and five years of freelancing.
Since working for myself full time throughout the pandemic, I ticked off a lot of those goals. But, few of them felt satisfying enough to justify how much sleep I lost trying to keep up with my own ambition.
In my “image-nation” I'd rarely thought about how it would feel achieving my goals.
I wanted to be a professional animator who works for myself.
I wanted to live alone in an apartment I could decorate all to myself.
I wanted to be single yet able to support myself and loved ones.
Never did I want to - feel anything - other than successful in achieving my goals. I even told myself,
" this will be hard work and a lot of sleep less nights, but you'll get it done"
Not caring about how you feel makes it easy to ignore you're basic bodily needs in service of doing more. But there's always another accomplishment over the horizon. Another billing cycle to pay, and laborious, at times boring work get done.
DISCLAIMER: I am aware it is a privilege to make money from being creative. I'm very, very grateful for every opportunity that has made it possible.
I love my-so-called-enviable-life
Envy gave me the energy to persevere when I didn’t have much else. But at some point my professional envy dried up, and it actually became hard to get much work done.
Which was a long-winded way of saying a bunch of cliches like
“grass is always greener”
“find joy in the work”
“I can’t get no satisfaction”
At the moment I'm most envious of people who have colleagues they get to gossip with and jobs they can clock off from.
What I would give for a boss to hate, so I didn’t have to work so hard on not hating myself as my own boss.
Anyway, here are some ways I’m currently using my envy to work for me. With a focus on my feelings more so material outcomes.
You can judge me if you like, I’m pretty will protected with my charms
When people's charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent trigger my green eyed monster, I make an effort to compliment them. Once I process my feelings, a lot of the time underneath the envy is admiration and curiosity. I'm impressed, and I want to see more.
Sometimes I’ll straight up say “I’m so jealous, tell me everthing?” Most of the time they’ll have a story about hard work or lucky circumstances which is a useful insight.
On occasion it even leads to friendship where envy can again arise from time to time. But mostly I feel inspired and proud of them.
When people's charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent trigger my green eyed monster, I make an effort to compliment them. Once I process my feelings, a lot of the time underneath the envy is admiration and curiosity. I'm impressed, and I want to see more.
Sometimes I’ll straight up say “I’m so jealous, tell me everthing?” Most of the time they’ll have a story about hard work or lucky circumstances which is a useful insight.
On occasion it even leads to friendship where envy can again arise from time to time. But mostly I feel inspired and proud of them.
It's easy to assume that people in relationships have access to regular affection. Which can make me envious at times so I sign off my nightly journal with “I love you so much Juliet, sleep well xoxo”.
Falling asleep is now gorgeous.
Then if I wake up in a mood, I literally give myself a hug.
Wrap my arms around myself and say - out loud - “Baby, it's time to get up”.
Sometimes I also say “We love our bread…We love each other by but most of all we love each other” in a french accent. Which also does the job.
If I’m feeling particularly frisky I will kiss myself in the mirror before I leave the house. Don’t hate me 'cause you ain't me.
Finally, I work at accepting that life is not fair and often random.
Sometimes we will simply do not get what we “deserve” and it's easy to feel guilty when we actually do.
After a lifetime of focusing on the future, and a pandemic of lamenting things in the past. I'm addicted to finding ways of appreciating what I have.
This helps to remain present in my day-to-day life. Which is especially useful for withstanding the feast or famine cycle of self-employment.
For instance, I didn't go on holidays over summer, and a holiday-eqsue spa day is currently out of my budget. But my envy had me yearning . So instead, I placed a lamp and some scented candles on my bathroom counter.
Now I have a stunning nightly showering ritual.
Whoops, this email became so much more than I expected….
In summation, I encourage you to own your envy. Let it teach you about the needs you’re neglecting or success’ you're discounting.
Here are some things that pushed mine over the edge this week.
Before I reminded myself that any success is all our success’
Congratulations to Australia's own Lachlan Pendragon! Whose PHD animated short film "An Ostrich Told Me The World Is Fake And I Think I Believe It" is nominated for an Oscar. Which shook me to my core before restoring my childhood dream of winning one. Sending him so much good luck.
Next up, despite spending a lot of time developing my own pitch for a work about queerness and HSV - I’m really excited for the release of short film “Me & Her(pes)”
THANK YOU so much, especially if you made it this far down! I appreciate it immensely. If you have feedback about my first newsletter please feel free to reply or DM me.
You’re also welcome to share it with other people if you feel the urge.
Finally a reminder I’m available for new animated & Illustrated projects so please keep me in your thoughts & budgets.